As an experienced child sleep consultant, I have found that one of the common barriers to peaceful bedtime routines isn’t always the children—it’s the parents. Many parents struggle to transition from their work mindset into a relaxed, engaged parenting mode. This impacts not only their evening interactions with their children but can also directly affect the child’s sleep patterns. Let’s dive into how we can guide parents in making this important shift.
1. The Sneaky Power of Work Ruminations
Before diving into solutions, it’s essential to understand the problem. ‘Rumination’ is a term that refers to the act of constantly thinking about the same things, especially when it comes to distressing events or situations. In the context of work, this could be thinking about a missed deadline, tensions with a colleague, or an upcoming presentation.
Did you know? Ruminating thoughts aren’t always occurring while parents are actively working. These thoughts often pop up during supposed ‘downtime’—like when they’re with their children.
2. Why Turning Off Work Thoughts Matters
Imagine a parent trying to soothe their child to sleep, but their mind is racing about tomorrow’s big meeting. The child, sensitive to their parent’s distracted state, might feel anxious or unsettled. This can lead to extended bedtime routines, night wakings, or even sleep resistance.
Remember: A calm parent often means a calm child.
3. Mastering the Art of Transitioning from Work to Home
Transitioning from a hectic work environment to the cozy, nurturing atmosphere of home can be challenging, especially when work-from-home is becoming the norm for many. This seamless blend of work and home lives can often lead to extended working hours, blurring the lines between professional duties and personal time. Parents, especially, might find it hard to shift gears and be mentally present for their kids. Let’s dive deeper into some tried-and-tested strategies that can help parents create a clear boundary between work and family time.
Set Physical and Temporal Boundaries
Why It Works? Humans, by nature, associate specific spaces with certain activities. When we set clear boundaries, we are essentially signaling our brain to shift its focus.
Personalized Work Zones
While a separate home office is ideal, it’s not feasible for everyone. However, even a specific corner of a room or a particular chair can serve as a designated work spot.
For example, Sarah, a mom of two, didn’t have the luxury of a separate home office. So, she creatively converted a corner of her living room into her workspace, complete with a small desk and a divider. This became her ‘work zone’. The rule was simple: No kids’ toys or unrelated items in that corner. After 6 pm, she would shut down her computer, put away her work materials, and leave the zone. Over time, her kids understood that when Mom was in that corner during the day, she was working. But once she stepped out in the evening, it was family time.
Temporal Boundaries
It’s just as important to set time boundaries. Encourage parents to have a clear start and end time for work. This might not always be the traditional 9-5, especially for remote workers or those with flexible hours, but the principle remains the same.
Quick Tip – Setting an alarm or reminder 30 minutes before the end of the workday can be a nudge for parents to wrap up their tasks and transition to family time.
The Wardrobe Transition
Changing from work attire to comfortable home clothes is symbolic. It’s like shedding the work persona and embracing the parent or partner role.
Why It Works? Clothes have a significant impact on our mindset. They not only influence how others perceive us but also how we perceive ourselves.
For example, Mike, a project manager and father of a toddler, would often attend video meetings, so dressing formally became routine. However, he made it a point that as soon as his work was done, he would change into his favorite old t-shirt and shorts. This simple act made him feel lighter and more relaxed. His wife even mentioned that he seemed more approachable and playful after the change.
Ritualize the Transition and Crafting Personal Rituals
The ritual doesn’t have to be time-consuming or elaborate. It should be something personal and enjoyable, a small activity that signifies the shift from work to home.
Why It Works? Rituals have been a part of human civilization for millennia. They serve as markers for significant events or transitions. By creating a post-work ritual, parents can psychologically anchor themselves to the idea that work is over.
For example, Priya, working in tech support, had irregular hours due to dealing with international clients. With twin toddlers at home, her days were long and tiring. She decided to craft a ritual for herself. After her last call of the day, she would go to her balcony, light a scented candle, play a calming tune, and take a few moments to breathe deeply. This 10-minute ritual became her bridge between her professional and personal world. The twins, sensing this change, would excitedly wait for their mom to finish her “balcony time”, knowing she’d then be all theirs.
4. Battling Work Ruminations with Productive Thinking
The echo of work responsibilities doesn’t suddenly fade away as parents step away from their desks. Instead, these lingering thoughts can often intrude upon personal time, stealing precious moments they could be spending wholeheartedly with their children. You can teach parents the power of ‘productive thinking’.
From Vague to Specific
This involves taking a vague concern and translating it into a specific question or task. The beauty lies in its simplicity. By framing a concern as a question or task, parents are already half-way towards addressing it.
Encourage parents to change vague worries (“I have so much work!”) to specific, actionable questions (“When can I set aside 30 minutes tomorrow to finish the presentation?”).
For example, James, a content writer and father of a two-year-old, often found himself swamped with deadlines. The mere thought of unfinished articles would make him restless, even during playtime with his son. On adopting the task transformation technique, every time he caught himself thinking, “I have so many articles pending!”, he’d reframe it: “Which article can I focus on first thing tomorrow morning?”. Then, he’d jot down a quick plan or set a reminder. This switch not only made him feel more organized but also allowed him to enjoy storytelling sessions with his son without the cloud of pending work.
Why It Works? Vague thoughts can amplify anxiety. They loom large, formless, and seem insurmountable. By pinning them down with specifics, parents can shrink these intimidating clouds of worry into manageable tasks.
5. The Power of the Rumination Journal
Rumination, much like a silently growing shadow, can be elusive. It has a way of sneaking into parents’ minds, especially when they’re trying to immerse themselves in family time. Often, the problem isn’t recognizing that it happens, but realizing how often it happens. This is where the Rumination Journal comes in – a powerful tool that promotes self-awareness and paves the way for change.
The How-to of the Rumination Journal
- Choosethe Medium – whether it’s a physical notebook, a digital note-taking app, or a dedicated journaling application, the key is to have it easily accessible. This ensures that when the ruminative thought strikes, it’s recorded then and there.
- Every time work-related thoughts creep in, parents should note:
- What they were thinking about.
- When it happened (time of day).
- What they were doing with their child at that moment.
- How they felt (anxious, frustrated, sad, etc.).
- At the end of the week, set aside some time to review the journal. Look for patterns: Are there specific triggers? Do these thoughts arise more during certain activities or times of the day?
The beauty of the rumination journal lies not just in its diagnostic power but also its potential to usher change. Once parents are aware of the patterns, they can:
Address Triggers
If specific activities or discussions are consistent triggers, parents can brainstorm ways to modify them and think of ways how to be more present around those times.
Introduce Buffer Activities
If transitions from work to family time are particularly challenging, parents can incorporate activities that act as buffers – short walks, meditation, or even a quick game that demands attention.
Open Dialogue with Children
Older kids can be partners in this journey. Sharing the findings of the journal with them can pave the way for understanding and collaborative solutions.
The rumination journal, though simple, can be a transformative tool. By creating a tangible record of intangible thoughts, it provides parents with the clarity and direction to reclaim their family moments from the clutches of work ruminations.
It is a Journey
It’s crucial for parents to understand that breaking the cycle of ruminating isn’t an overnight fix. It’s a journey, and it’s essential to celebrate small victories along the way. As child sleep consultants, we can provide parents with the tools to transition from work mode, ensuring not only better sleep for their children but also fostering a more connected, present parenting approach. By addressing ruminations and providing strategies, we’re not just helping children sleep better but improving overall family well-being.
References
Nolen-Hoeksema, S., Wisco, B.E., and Lyubomirsky, S., 2008. Rethinking rumination. Perspectives on psychological science, 3(5), pp.400-424. Link
Essex, M. J., Klein, M. H., Cho, E., & Kalin, N. H. (2002). Maternal stress beginning in infancy may sensitize children to later stress exposure: effects on cortisol and behavior. Biological psychiatry, 52(8), 776–784. Link
Grzywacz, J.G. and Carlson, D.S., 2007. Conceptualizing work—family balance: Implications for practice and research. Advances in developing human resources, 9(4), pp.455-471. Link
Adam, H. and Galinsky, A.D., 2012. Enclothed cognition. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 48(4), pp.918-925. Link
Ullrich, P.M. and Lutgendorf, S.K., 2002. Journaling about stressful events: Effects of cognitive processing and emotional expression. Annals of Behavioral Medicine, 24(3), pp.244-250. Link